Thank you for letting him go

I have been inspired by a very beautiful friend who told me a story about why she felt led to nurture a genuine relationship with her husband's former wife. 

Let me tell you, I hate myself for writing this and maybe even more for sharing it.  I have been cursed (or blessed, depending on how you look at it) with a thirst for honesty and this is something that has been on my heart.  As my mother battles "insert the c word here" and going through some of the hardest times that we have as a family, the fine line between life and death has become much too real for me.  I don't want to wait until something happens because then it would be too late.  I want to do it while things are still good, while the power of forgiveness lives in us forever.

"Why did you choose me?" I asked my husband.

A few months ago, for the first time since I have known my darling dream love of a man who is my husband, I came across some photos of his ex-fiancé on social media through mutual friends.  Up until that time, besides the photos that I made up of her in my mind, I had never actually seen what she looked like.

My heart sunk.  She was absolutely beautiful.  Everything, as shameful as it may be for me to say, that I didn't want her to be.  I studied that photo for what seemed like hours, the position of his hand on her waist, their smiles, their surroundings.  I felt so many things like sadness, anger, fear, worry, guilt, but mainly jealousy.  For some moments, my mind replayed memories that were not my own, the first time they met and the first time he held her hand.  Their first kiss, the first time they saw a live band and the first time they said I love you, even the day that he proposed.  I laid my head down and cried.

When I finally lifted up my head to wipe away the tears, a sparkle caught my eye.  The sparkle of the wedding ring that my love gifted to me when I turned around to find him on one knee, asking me to be his wife in that gorgeous finca in Costa Rica.  Visions of our fairytale wedding flooded the forefront of my mind.  I will never forget the look on his face when I whispered in his ear that he was going to be a father.

I have loved this man the moment that my heart saw him before my very eyes.  I tell him time and time again, if I would have met you sooner, then I would have loved you longer.  Since the beginning and to this day, our relationship has been deeply passionate, spiritual, godly, and true.  I have never questioned his love for me, but I know there had been times in the beginning of our journey together that he questioned my love for him.  For a long time, he didn't know what it was like to be truly loved I think, and maybe didn't feel worthy of true love.  But loving him is what I was put on this earth to do and it is so easy, everything I did was to show him that I was never leaving his side.  While it hurts me to the deepest part of my core to know that his past was filled with hurt, a part of me is also thankful.

Thank you for causing him pain, so that he could see how strong he is, and that I could be there to help him mend.

Thank you for teaching him about interior design, you are truly talented and so is he.

Thank you for helping him understand that people are not made to be fixed.

Thank you for keeping the ring.  While he could not afford to buy me one, his beautiful grandmother gave him her ring to give me.  I get to wear a ring that reminds us both of his precious grandfather that I never had the privilege to meet.

I know, I just know that you loved him once, and he loved you too.  I know that it goes both ways and that he hurt you too, and he is so very sorry.

I realized that in order for him to forgive you, he had to forgive himself for hurting you. 

Every time I have been in my love's hometown, I have been so scared of running into you.  What if?  What would I say?  What would I do?

I am not scared anymore.  In fact, a part of me almost hopes that I do because I want to hug you and tell you how much you are loved, and that I'm sorry too.

The thing is, my heart wants you to have what I have.  I want you to have happiness.  I want you to know hope. 

I want you to find that person that completes you, and for me, that person is Jesus.

It's not my husband.

Whew, the tears are really flowing now. 

My husband helped me find the man who would never let me down, because he said he surely would.  He helped me find the only man who can fix me when I felt broken, but he said he would be right there by my side picking up the pieces.

It wasn't the money (or lack there-of haha because med school debt duh) or status or cars or houses or things that changed me, but it was because of my husband's faith that everything about my life has been completely transformed.  I found freedom, and the greatest love that I have ever known.  For that, I am ever indebted to him and to you.

There is a saying that goes, "if you love something, let it go."  So thank you for loving him enough to let him go. 

This concludes my six month journey writing for Sakura Bloom for the Sling Diaries.  It has been an absolute privilege and honor to be a part of something so much bigger than me, and to document my family wearing the most beautiful slings in the world.  I think this adventure changed not only me, but my entire family.  I hope you too were somewhat inspired along the way, thank you from the bottom of my heart for letting me share my heart, and for following along.

In Christ's love,
Brent, Madina, Ariella Love, and Gwendolyn Rose

The Sling Diaries Volume VI Better Together ::laughter::

My grandfather died four weeks ago.  Three weeks ago, my mama was diagnosed with cancer.  Forgive me if I got too deep, too quick, but I don't really feel like beating around the bush with this one.  It seems to me that each one of my sling diary posts has hit exactly at the time of a life changing event.  Then, even though I would much rather talk about the happiest things and put on my biggest smile, I can't go through life pretending. 

Losing my grandfather was the first time that someone dear to me passed away and with him being in the other side of the world, it didn't make things any easier.  My family and I talked a lot and we truly felt so blessed and at such a peace knowing what a beautiful and long life he led and the legacy that he left behind.  Just when I started to grasp life without him on this earth, my dad called me with the shocking news about my mom.  I don't want to say the c word, and I hate how quickly everything is happening.  Like I haven't even had time to process what's going on and I'm not sure she has too, but by the time I finish this post, her first day of chemotherapy will start.  I used to make chemo under the hood in the pharmacy on weekends.  Not that it matters, but it just hits me as so odd that there will be a pharmacist somewhere making those same infusions I used to make for strangers, for my own mother. 

I don't doubt that my mother will be cured, however I do know that both her and my whole family are stricken with grief that she even has to endure this.  The fatigue and pain and side effects, my husband called it anticipatory grief.  One minute I'm laughing and doing great, then the next minute I cry so hard that my vision is left blurry.  "Mama okay? Mama sad?" Ariella says.  I wish I can talk about this all in the past tense kind of like goodness it was so hard but we made it through and everything is wonderful...but the reality is that we are going through this right at this very moment.  We are in the middle of the biggest move of our lives, so many changes coming our way, then I'm praying that when we see my mama that she will still have her hair.  When it rains, it pours right?

Ironically, it poured today, so much so that the beaches had to close.  

Somewhere along these past three weeks, Ariella learned the word funny and looks at us and says "mama funny!" or "daddy funny!"  It is the cutest thing in the world and we always giggle so much. She started making funny faces and noises and fake laughs at herself in the mirror and it's hilarious. She gets her loud and boisterous laugh from me, my love says.  Gwendolyn just started making those adorable baby giggles that brighten everyone's day.  I'm pretty certain that we spend many of our days doing more laughing than anything else though.  And when you hear your children laughing, there is nothing that can take that joy away from you.  They don't know the pain of yesterday or the woes of tomorrow, they just know that right here right now, it is the greatest moment that they have ever lived and they relish in it, as should we.  They fully embrace the fleeting nature of life and remind me of it every single day.  I am so thankful that I don't have the opportunity to completely submerse myself in some of life's sadness because they have taught me how much there is to laugh about. 

When we passed our neighbor today, we talked about the weather because there's like a rule somewhere that says you have to talk about the weather with your neighbors right?  He complained about the downpour and I complained about the humidity making it hard to breathe but then he said something that turned the whole conversation around.  He said I'm so glad that it's raining though, that's what makes our land lush and green.  This perspective made me think that maybe it's a good thing that it's pouring in our lives as well.  I know we will all come out of it stronger than ever, and my family will be united in the most beautiful of ways. 

We booked our flights to see my mom in a few short weeks.  I want to see her so bad but what I want even more is for her to see our baby girls.  I know that just being around them will bring her so much happiness and maybe her pain will get better, even if it's just for a few moments at a time.  I truly believe that laughter is the best medicine, because it's good for the soul.  And when it is well with my soul, then it is well.  

It is well. 

 *the sling that I am photographed wearing Gwendolyn in is Pink Sand from the simple silk collection of slings provided to me by Sakura Bloom.  Again, I am so grateful and humbled for the opportunity to work with a company that I absolutely love*

The Sling Diaries Volume VI Better Together ::community::

 I have come to know that finding a community is a lot like finding love, because in actuality, you are not the one that finds it, it finds you.

 

 

The Sling Diaries Volume VI Better Together ::ambition::

You could say that I've had my share. 

I speak and dream in three languages, but I mainly have my parents to thank for that.  I taught myself how to play guitar when I was 13 years old and carried those dreams in my guitar case everywhere I went. 

The Sling Diaries Volume VI Better Together ::health::

My mama used to always say "Madina, you should marry a man who is at least 5 years older than you, and who is also a psychiatrist because our entire family needs help." haha (true story) When I met my darling love, not only did I know that he was the one immediately, I also found out that he was 5 years older than me, and a psychiatrist. 

The Sling Diaries Volume VI Better Together ::celebration::